Bathroom Break
by CountessCzan
Summary: Hermione Granger encounters the Dark Lord in one of the Wizarding World's neutral zones : A Public Bathroom.


"Voldemort,"

"Mudblood,"

Neither paid any attention to each other, yet both looked out at the other in the corner of their eyes. They stood there, side by side, trying their best to look like they have all the time in the world yet failing miserably. Especially when it was only a matter of minutes before one of them loses their bowel contents.

_Damn,_ she thought. _Three out of eight cubicles working, all of them occupied. How the bloody hell did I end up standing here with this psycho?_

A bird twittered at the corner window of the lavatory, only to be silenced by a jet of green light from a pale, yew wand.

"That was unnecessary," Hermione voiced out, and bit her tongue afterwards. Lord Voldemort glanced at her, his jaw tightening. Hermione couldn't decide whether it was due to the fact that he was standing beside a mudblood, or because he was having trouble holding it in.

But then again, she mused, he already has the so-called "mudblood" germs from his Muggle father.

"It was annoying."

"Obviously, else you wouldn't see it fit to kill the bird."

Silence reigned. Hermione mentally counted._Zero, demiguise. One, unicorn. Two, graphorn. Three, runesp-_

"In the name of Lord Voldemort, I demand you to open this cubicle right now, whoever you might be. Consequences be damned." Hermione gaped at the serpentine man, who was currently rapping the front door of the cubicle in front of him. How preposterous! Surely, not only because he is the Lord Voldemort, he can come in waltzing and ordering, no, bullying people into letting him do his personal business inside without being patient?

Annoyed, Hermione could only glare at the Dark Lord. "You can't just order people to finish pooping just because you wanted them to do."

Lord Voldemort snorted, then for a minute, a look of unease passed through his face. It was gone the moment it appeared, but Hermione spotted it. She decided that Voldemort must have bigger bowel problems than her.

"Oh, but I can."

"Can you really?" Disbelief and mock amusement rang clearly in her voice. Voldemort narrowed his eyes at her.

"Do you wish for me to execute an example, mudblood?"

This time it was Hermione's turn to snort. "The Ministry decreed that all public lavatories and comfort rooms are to remain neutral zones for both sides of the war. Additionally, no person may intentionally or unintentionally hurt, maim, control, kill, or cast another spell on another person, for once a person enters the neutral zone, their whole being will be immediately protected by the magic of nature, thus ensuring that nobody would get hurt while in the process of conducting various personal businesses."

"I do not need nor want the Law of Neutrality #037 recited to me, Granger."

She turned to look at him triumphantly. "Inevitably, you cannot control any people inside this room for in doing so, you are putting yourself in mortal peril. Therefore, you can't give me a, what-did-you-call-it? Ah, you can't show me an _example._"

A nonexistent eyebrow rose, and the corners of his lipless mouth twitched. "The example I was referring to.. Do you perhaps imply that I can't control people inside a neutral zone?"

"Exactly. An Imperius curse could only do certain things, and employing it in protected neutral zones isn't one part of it."

Voldemort smirked smugly. "Who said anything about using the Imperius Curse? For all you know, I might be using my natural charms to ensnare a person to do my bidding."

And he winked at her.

Hermione felt as if she was doused by cold water and plunged headfirst in the Black Lake. A shiver ran down her spine, making her involuntarily shudder.

Oh merlin. Ohmerlinohmerlinohmerlin_ohmerlin_. Lord Voldemort _winked_ at her.

Just then, the only cubicle behind them opened, and the sound of flushing toilet was heard throughout the empty room. The sole occupant of the said cubicle was busy buttoning his trousers. He looked up, spotted the black-robed terrorizer, went pale as a ghost, and promptly ran for the exit door without even bothering to wash his hands.

_Creeaakk.._ The door of the empty cubicle swung upon.

Hermione looked at Voldemort, who, at that exact moment, also turned to look at her. Three seconds of staring, they both looked at the empty cubicle.

And ran towards it.

Magic be damned, apparating be damned, Hermione rushed forward to the vacant stall, not caring that the Dark Lord was on her heels, not caring that she was racing the Dark Lord over an empty comfort stall, but only thinking about her poor urinary system that threatened to burst any second soon.

Being the smaller of the two, she reached the cubicle a nanosecond before him. However, since Voldemort was a lot taller than her, he managed to pin her before she was able to close the door. Hermione retaliated by the only choice she had : she bit his hand.

Lord Voldemort howled in pain, but didn't let go.

Alastor Moody's voice rang into her mind. SING, Granger, _SING_

Oh, right. Solar plexus-instep-nose-groin.

She used her elbows and nudged back his stomach, digging it as hard as she could. Hermione was about to stomp on his foot when his foot connected with her kneecaps, making her groan in pain.

She turned around and was about to punch his nose... when she realized he doesn't have any.

She faltered for a moment, giving him chance to back up. Then, improvising her methods, she braced herself for the impact of what she was about to do.

WHAM!

She head-butted him. The effects were immediate; both felt dizzy in an instant, Voldemort taking the more painful side of the stunt.

"Oh no you didn't," she heard him mutter under his breath while he staggered.

Hermione took a deep breath, and charged. Time for the last blow.

She raised her knees and hit him in the groin. She kneed him in the groin. She kneed him, Lord Voldemort, the Dark Lord, in the groin.

"Ha-ha, I won, Riddle!" she shouted, entered the cubicle, and locked it.

Sighing in relief, Hermione did a cleansing charm on the toilet seat and relieved herself. A-ah, finally.

Dark Lord Voldemort be damned - she had to relieve herself first. Pee first, fight later.

* * *

A/N : Hi! First Tomione Drabble of mine ;) It was written for the 'Everybody Poops Challenge' of tomioneconvention-forumotion . Just a drabble I decided to share :) Thoughts? xD


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